Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
