I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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