Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
