Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
