Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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