i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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