I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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