so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
