Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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