Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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