John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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