Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
