Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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