I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
