I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It all started with a game of naked twister.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
