I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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