I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
