the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
