the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
