I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
