As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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