i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
