My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
She announced her abortion via fbk
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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