I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
