I puked a lego.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
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