I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
