im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
my liver is dry heaving
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
