I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
