see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
