i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
