Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
