I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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