No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
