she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
