Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
