yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
