I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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