my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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