the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Less talking, more tequila
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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