My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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