On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
