True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Randomize
