I swear she didn't look like that last week.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
