im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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