i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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