I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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