just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
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