Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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