1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Randomize
