does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
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Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
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is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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