Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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