Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
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Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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