Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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