guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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