are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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