I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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