What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
