Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
