i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
