i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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