4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
