This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
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I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
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My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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